New stuff...

Wanted to pop in quickly and say that I realize I have completely neglected my blog. Sorry!!
In the coming days I will be posting to catch you all up on the happenings of this single mom in the making.
Lots of new stuff going on. Some good but mostly yucky stuff. I can't help but think that with all these things going WRONG in my life that something WONDERFUL is coming soon. It HAS to! Right?

More soon so stay tuned...

Birthday dinner with Mark. What a wonderful night :-)

On my way...

So the PJ tattoo, while a great idea, was out because it occurred to me that I'm taking aspirin every day and I wouldn't want to have to deal with increased bleeding (which can lead to a messed up tattoo). I still plan to get the tattoo one day but it can't be right now. My blood is definitely thinner already because I'm now experiencing bleeding during ovulation. Hmmm?
I'm excited to announce that I will be back in the game next cycle!!  So, now I just await the arrival of her majesty AF. Hopefully she'll be more regular this time than the last... I barely had a period at all last time! Just spotting for several days. (don't worry, I already POAS just to make sure) LOL!
Oh well.
I'm getting ready to send in the signed forms for the new sperm bank I'll be using and I'm getting my finances in order. Baby, here I come!!! Can't wait!

For PJ...

To my darling daughter, Pamela Joelene...
Today was supposed to be your due date. You would have been arriving any day now. My life has changed in so many ways since you left. Mommy admittedly fell apart for a while when she lost you. I missed you so much and felt that life was so unfair. I still believe life is unfair. I still miss you every day. Today has been exceptionally difficult for me because I can't help feeling like you should be here with me. I want you to know that it's okay... Mommy's not upset with you. I love you so much and want you to know that you belong here with me. A dear friend told me that the spirit of a baby comes back after miscarriage... when the time is right. I believe your spirit WILL come back and join me soon. I want  you to know that it's time. It's time for you to come back and be with Mommy. The timing was not right before but now the timing is perfect. Come back to me. I'm waiting here for you.

Though my heart was broken, over time it began to mend. I can now think of you and smile. Though the tears fall even as I write this post, I can be thankful that you were here with me even if it was for a short time instead of thinking only of the loss in my heart. I got a new big apartment for us. Lots of room for you!! I'm beginning to put together ideas of where all your things will go. I know where your crib will be. I know where your changing table will be. I know where all of your other things like your clothes and bouncy seat and toys will be. I even got a place with a nice big bathtub for your fun bath times. I picture the walks we'll take in the neighborhood. I imagine our hectic mornings and sleepless nights. Mostly... I imagine your eyes.

I can't wait to meet you face to face my darling angel. I can't wait to count your fingers and toes, touch your soft skin, smell you and kiss you and hold you close. Mommy is here waiting for you.
I love you!!!
I'll see you soon....

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is PJ's due date. I will be wearing a purple ribbon tomorrow in her honor.
Most new cars have day running headlights now but I will be driving with my headlights on for her tomorrow as well. Tomorrow night I will be lighting a special candle for her also. Please drive with your headlights on tomorrow or light a candle in memory of PJ and all other angel babies.

A special post for PJ tomorrow...

Mommy loves you PJ.

PJ Tattoo

Not sure if this will come through but this is the design I want.

P.J.'s Due Date is almost here...

As the days of September pass one by one I become closer to my due date for P.J.


She was due on 9/22/10. It is important to me to commemorate her in some way but I feel lost when trying to determine the best way to accomplish that.

My life is so much different now that it would have been had I not lost her. I miss her and still think of her every day and how my life would be better if she were here.

Originally I wanted to plant a tree to honor her short life but I don’t own a home and I’m not sure my mother’s house is the right place to plant it either because she may decide to sell her house soon.



Oh… I don’t know what to do!! I can’t let that day come and go and only remember her with my own tears. I need something special.



Please share any ideas you may have.



Mommy misses you PJ!!!

Hurry up and wait...

Having answers to the question of why I'm having miscarriages is certainly a relief. I'm ready to begin trying again with this new protocol. I've begun the baby aspirin every day as well as the massive amounts of folic acid. I'm doing every thing I need to do yet still, I must wait.

Two weeks ago, against my better judgment, I moved into my new apartment and along with that move came the added expense of deposits, first month's rent, moving trucks, etc. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to move and I love my new apartment, but financially I wasn't ready. I wish I'd waited until after my insemination. Hindsight is 20/20 though, right? So, moving on... I'm happy in my new place and I'm all settled and hoping I'm able to scrape together enough money to move forward soon with my fertility treatments. I actually took this semester off from school so that I could have this low stress time to TTC and to perhaps get through the better part of my first trimester. I'm hoping I can begin again before this break is over.

My relationship with Mark has been going VERY well. We've had some really good talks and have worked through many of our problems. My therapist believes that, with communication, we can salvage this relationship. I'm so relieved. I love him so much and have a really hard time seeing myself with anyone else, or simply without him.

Work is work and I'm not really happy there but I'm grateful to have a job.

I'm in the process of shopping for a new sperm donor as well. Fun Fun Fun!! I narrowed it down to 2 donors and then found out that neither of them have any units available at this time. Blahhhh!!! I will call them first thing tomorrow to find out what exactly that means and whether or not they can ask the donors to donate again.

Well, that's my brief update for now... more soon.

Thanks for reading and feel free to comment or message me.   :-)

Homozygous MTHFR Mutation as a cause for miscarriage?

I just got my recurrent miscarriage blood panel results today. RE called me at work this afternoon and told me the results over the phone.

He found a couple things:

#1 - I have a double mutation MTHFR (homozygous) but with normal homocystine levels.
Basically this means I will have to begin taking a baby aspirin every day along with EXTRA folic acid in addition to the folic acid that's already in my prescription prenatal. Also, I will begin daily Lovenox injections after ovulation through pregnancy. I JUST found this out today and have LOTS of research to do because I know nothing about the MTHFR gene and mutations of the gene.

#2 - I'm showing slightly elevated levels of autoimmune antibodies so RE wants me to see a rheumatologist. ??? Not sure what this could mean and he didn't get into it with me.

I'm definitely nervous because what I HAVE read shows that the DOUBLE mutation of the MTHFR gene is much worse than mutation on ONE of the genes but the Lovenox is supposed to be effective along with increased folic acid.

I will be taking this cycle off, unfortunately, for financial reasons but I figure it will give me some time to build the folic acid in my body before trying again... also the baby aspirin each day may help as well once I've been taking it for a whole cycle.

I'm moving next weekend into my own apartment. Mark and I are still together but have decided living together isn't in our best interest at this time. So, moving and Mark troubles on top of TTC has me wiped out! Luckily I've decided to take another semester off from grad school. I just don't think I could handle another dang thing!

waiting, waiting, waiting

Well, I'm still waiting, not so patiently, for my blood test results. I'm so anxious to find out why I keep having miscarriages! If they don't call today I may have to call again.

I'm turning into a stalker!!!

I don't want them to find anything major but it would be nice if they could find something with an easy solution instead of finding nothing, leaving me with a big question mark!

?

I'm READY!!!

This week I will get the results of my recurrent miscarriage blood panel... perhaps Tuesday or Wednesday? I'm admittedly anxious but so ready to find a SOLUTION! I want, more than ever, to be a mother and will stop at NOTHING to make that happen!!!

Baby... here I come!

Decisions...

I got a week ahead of myself!! I called my RE for the results of the recurrent miscarriage panel and I still have another week to go. :(  Blahhhh!!!

I'm anxious and ready to get this show on the road.

As for Mark and I, we are back together again. I know, yo-yo relationship. We're still not living together but we're considering it. He called me Saturday and told me how stupid he was and that he'd made a huge mistake and wants to be with me forever. I do not have the support of my mother, which is difficult for me because I happen to be addicted to her approval (unhealthy, I know), but I have to make this decision for myself.  Here's the problem. I already made the decision to give it another go with him. I want to be able to work things out. BUT... sometimes I feel unsure about whether or not I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes it feels REALLY right and other times it feels all wrong.

Not sure how it happened but I've lost all my moxy!! I'm afraid all the time. Afraid to end it because I'm afraid I'll regret it and miss him and that it'll be a huge mistake. Also, afraid to jump back in because I'm afraid he'll hurt me again.  Ugh!!!

Again, I need to take my mind off of my relationship with Mark (wait to see how things unfold) and place all my focus on becoming a mommy. I have an appointment with my therapist this evening so I'm hoping he can help me to straighten things out in this jumbled head of mine.

Wish me luck!!!

Apartment hunting

Today was a productive day. I worked half a day and spent the afternoon searching for a new home. I haven't found THE ONE yet but I managed to get myself excited about looking. I was feeling pretty good about it until I got home. Then, for some reason, I began to feel sad again that I'm even having to look. It wasn't supposed to be this way. :-(  Mark and I were supposed to be doing this together. (sigh)
I just have to find it in me to stop crying, get up, and get on with it.  It's just so hard when life doesn't turn out the way you planned or pictured it. I just keep trying to remind myself that this isn't about me anymore. This is about my child. What would I want to teach my child? That it's okay to let everything fall down around you because someone else disappointed you? NO! Keep going. Move forward. Take care of YOU!

Good advice! Maybe one of these days I'll learn how to set a good example.  ;-)  Boo!!!

So much has happened...

I am such a terrible blogger!! I disappear for weeks at a time and all kinds of things happen.
Let me just start from the beginning. First of all, I DID miscarry on Sunday, July 25th. I mentioned briefly that Mark and I have been having some problems and that was putting it MILDLY. The day I miscarried he decided it would be a good time to ask for "space". I was devastated; first for the loss of my second child, second for the pain of losing something I thought was so special. I've had a very rough couple of weeks to say the least.

Dr. Brown called me to discuss my pregnancy loss and how we planned to move forward. He ordered a recurrent miscarriage blood panel to see if perhaps we could find the reason I keep losing my babies. While I'm glad he is being proactive, I'm deeply saddened by the fact that I now fit into that category. RECURRENT MISCARRIAGE
It even sounds awful. :-( I'd like to add that when I went to the lab to have my blood drawn I had NO IDEA how much blood they would take. I'm certainly not a person that is squeamish when it comes to needles but having them take 17 vials of blood at one time was CRAZY!!! Yes, you read right... SEVENTEEN!!!
So now we wait. I had my blood drawn on July 27th and was told it would be about three weeks until the results came in so I am sitting this cycle OUT. I don't want to move in any direction until I have more information.

As for Mark, our relationship since I moved out has been a roller coaster. One day he's the same loving man I fell in love with and the next he is someone I hardly recognize. He's done and said a lot of things that were very hurtful and somehow he feels justified in it all. I've gone back and forth in my mind (and with him) many times while trying to decide what's best for me. I think I got so wrapped up in the idea of having a family, the idea of having a father for my child, I simply lost ME. I will admit that I still struggle with my feelings of wanting to work this out but each day I become a little stronger and a little closer to finding myself and my voice. It's been 9 years since I've been in a serious relationship and I fell for him. I fell REALLY HARD... so, it makes it very difficult to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start again... ALONE.

I am currently looking for an apartment of my own. I no longer want to live with a roommate. I want to get my own place and get settled in and ready for mommy-hood. I let someone take priority over something that is so very important to me. Funny how we feel so strong yet can become so weak when matters of the heart are involved. I know I'll get through this.. but it won't be easy.

I've been dealing with so much all at once, I'm going to let myself off the hook for being so foolish. I've learned something that I thought I already knew... rushing into a relationship is a BAD IDEA!!! Duh!

Okay then, off to bed. The results of my blood test can't come soon enough. I need to shift my focus back to what is most important... starting NOW!

Crushed...

I just got the call from my RE and my blood HCG level is only at an 8 and I'm at 14dpiui.
Chances are I will lose this pregnancy. I'm just heartbroken. I can't believe I have to go through this disappointment again.  :-(

The nurse said the number IS low but that they really can't tell anything about the pregnancy until they get my levels again on Monday. I think they just have to be nice about it so you don't go running out of the office crying. I'm just so sad...

Now what???

Okay, admittedly, I'm psychotic!! I POAS again this morning and the line was BARELY visible.
What does this mean? Could it be a chemical pregnancy? I'm worried that it means my HCG levels are going DOWN instead of UP.

I'm impatiently awaiting the blood results from my doctor this afternoon.
The real test will be Monday though. That will indicate whether my levels are doubling as they should.

I'm so worried!!!  :-(

BFP???

So I POAS again this morning with FMU and A LINE!!! It's still a faint line but it's darker than it was yesterday :)  So folkes... I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant!

I have a 7am appointment tomorrow for Beta #1

I still can't believe this is happening!

Thanks to all my readers for sending baby dust my way!!!

Evaporation line???

Okay, so I tested again this morning with FMU and pretty much BFN. Although... I could see a shadow of a line where a line SHOULD be so I'm thinking it must be an evap line. Or perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me? Mark looked at it and saw nothing but then again, he's not been properly trained to be able to effectively scrutinize an HPT. He can't see lines that aren't there, like me. lol

I'll keep testing until 15dpiui (which will be Friday) then I'll just await the witch.

So we wait...

BFN

I had IUI #5 on Thursday, July 8th and began testing this morning with HPTs. As you can see from the title of this post, I got a BFN. Disappointment really isn't a good word to describe what I'm going through.

I'd really tried to mentally prepare myself for the fact that it might not work the first time after my m/c but I think this just brings up old pain from my miscarriage. I can't help but think that if my baby hadn't died I wouldn't be going through this disappointment.

I'm tired of spending the money, taking the drugs, crying all the time because the hormones have me acting like a total basket case... plus Mark and I have been having some problems so that hasn't helped.

I realize that it could be a little early to test so I'll test again tomorrow but I don't expect to receive a different result since it was so blatantly NEGATIVE... not even a HINT of a line there.

It's one of those days where I just want to stuff my face and watch tv and sleep all day. I feel depressed and exhausted. I've decided to make an appointment with my counselor just to nip these depressed feelings in the bud. Especially since I'm not on my meds.

It will be a little while before I can try again because I just don't have the money and I'm paying for this all by myself... so I've considered getting back on the meds until I can afford more fertility treatments.

One thing I AM happy about is that I have 8 followers now!! That means a lot to me. Thank you for reading and please please please, comment or message me. I love to hear from my readers.

Stay tuned... I'll report my HPT result tomorrow!

Much love to you all :)

Insemination scheduled for Thursday!

This cycle has been a long time coming...
I'm finally ready for insemination #5 on Thursday. This cycle was a Femera cycle (2.5 mg) - CD3 - CD8. I went in on CD10 and had one follicle on the right at 13mm and two smaller ones on the left. I saw my RE yesterday for another u/s to scan for follies. I showed two 16mm follies (one on each ovary) so I was instructed to give myself the Ovidrel injection (trigger shot) tonight at 10pm. I'll go in for my IUI on Thursday at 9:15am.

I'm scared. Very scared about the possibility of m/c again but I'm mostly excited about the idea of becoming the proud mother of a healthy baby.

Mark has been fantastic. He's been a real trooper in dealing with my mood swings and maintaining a calm, supportive disposition. I love him to pieces!! He's been very excited about the insemination. We're going to make a baby this week and we're both thrilled!

So, Ovidrell tonight and IUI on Thursday then I'll be in the dreaded 2ww. I'll be posting regularly on any symptoms I may have. Keep your fingers crossed for us!!

Stay tuned!

I'm baaaack....

Okay folks! I'm officially back. Back online and back in the game.
Today is CD10 and I had my follicle scan this morning. RE found 3 follicles. One on the right (13mm) and two on the left (10mm). I'll use OPKs throughout the weekend and if I get a positive I'll have IUI #5 on Monday. If I DO NOT get a positive OPK this weekend I'll return for a second follicle scan. Hopefully that scan will reveal three mature follicles and I can go home, give myself the ovidrel injection, and come in on Tuesday for my IUI. IF they are still not mature, I'll be sent home with more Femara and will likely have the IUI at the end of next week.
So, hurry up and wait. That's the name of the game.

Also, things with Mark are really progressing nicely. We're both excited about my IUI and he's happy he gets to be a part of it. He'll be going with me for my IUI. :) WHICH, by the way, is beyond fantastic. I've been doing this all by myself from day one so a partner in this process is a welcome change.

We're going to be getting a two bedroom apartment at the end of next month. Our relationship has become quite serious as we have grown together so quickly. I'm head over heals in love with him and we can't wait to begin our lives together.

Thinking I may need to change the name of this blog?? LOL!

Thanks for reading and feel free comment or PM me.

~ Charity
I miss you PJ

Missing my blog!!!

I just want to give a quick update. I'm really missing my blogs and vlog. I haven't been posting lately because I spend all my time at Mark's house and his internet isn't hooked up yet. Should be up and running by the first of the month. I can't wait to get back on here and fill you all in on how wonderful things are right now.
Things with Mark are really progressing and we've decided to move in together. He is such an amazing man. I was beginning to think I was too picky and that maybe that's why I hadn't met "the one" but after seeing how great it really can be I'd wait for him all over again. I'm glad I held out and didn't settle. Nobody should ever have to settle.
We're so in love and are excited to begin our lives together. He's very supportive of my decision to TTC and is very excited about me getting PG. He's going with me for my insemination which will be amazing because I've always had to do those things by myself. It'll be so nice to have someone who is excited with me and will be there to hold my hand.
I'm such a lucky woman...

More SOON!!!

Don't go away :)

Checking in...

Hello all. I know I haven't posted in a long time. I've been so busy!!
I actually am in a relationship now. His name is Mark and he is absolutely WONDERFUL!!! He knows all about my TTC and my m/c and he's excited about my decision to begin TTC again next month.

He treats me like a princess and I'm falling fast. I'll keep everyone posted on my status and will try to post pictures later.

I'm actually sick right now. I have strep and a bad UTI. ugh!! I'll begin my antibiotics today so hopefully I'll be feeling better in the next day or two.
I'm on CD9 and will begin OPKs in the next few days. I'm hoping to have another regular cycle like last time. Last one was a 28 day cycle, O'd on CD14. I'm getting super excited about getting pregnant again. I really can't wait!!!!! Believe me I'm scared but I am trying to keep a positive attitude and get myself excited about being a Mom.

More later!!

Thanks for following!!

You Tube Vlog

You may have noticed that I added a link to my You Tube Video Blog (Vlog) here on my TTC blog. ( *see OTHER BLOGS on the right side of your screen )
I have decided to give it a whirl. So far it seems pretty easy. It’s a little strange to think of complete strangers watching my videos but I think it will just take some getting used to. I simply want this blog AND my vlog to be a resource for people. I want to share with you what I’m doing as I travel this ttc road again as well as give a voice to “Choice Mom’s” out there. I’ve learned that there are many more of us out there than I originally thought! I know it’s a difficult decision to make and there are people out there who will give you their unsolicited opinions on how they don’t agree with your decision… the thing to remember is, it’s YOUR decision and I think the more women who come out of the “choice mom closet” the less stigmatized it will be. My blog and vlog are two perfect ways to get the word out and share with the world what my journey is like. I’m also doing this to learn about other people in similar situations. Please feel free to comment, or message me and please subscribe to my Vlog and follow my Blog.
For those of you that do not know, I survived a missed miscarriage back in February of this year and so my life of blogging began. If you have an interest in reading my miscarriage blog please click the link under OTHER BLOGS on the right of your screen.
I don’t post to that blog as often as I will post here but I have not closed it because I will want to post periodically when my miscarriage comes to the front of my mind. I still think about it every day and miss my baby every day. I feel that my decision to try again is largely in honor of my daughter PJ.
Thanks for reading and please follow/subscribe.
More tomorrow...
~ PJ's Mommy

Counting down...

I’m beginning to get more and more excited as the time draws near to begin my TTC journey again. My cycles are becoming regular again and I’m ready. I’m as ready as I’ll ever be to do the scariest thing in the world! Scary yet beautiful. I can’t wait.
Thanks to all my followers!
Stay tuned because July will be action packed. I really can’t wait.
Single motherhood… here I come!

CD14

This morning I received a positive LH surge! Right on time.. CD14
I'm glad to see that my cycles are normalizing. I'm getting excited about the idea of trying again. :-) More later...

OPK

I began testing with OPKs for my LH surge today and haven't received a positive as of yet. I'm excited to begin getting back in tune with my body and the usual TTC rituals. I'll begin charting my BBT next cycle.
I'm definitely happy to begin TTC but there have been some conflicting feelings along with it. I began online dating several weeks ago when I thought I'd be taking a long break from TTC. I'm going on my second date tomorrow evening with this man that I met online and feel like I'm keeping this big secret about my plan to begin IUIs in August. Well, I guess I feel like I'm keeping a secret because I AM! How do you tell someone that though?
I really haven't told anyone accept my online friends at "Fertile Thoughts" and my mom and one close friend. I'm really not ready to let people know yet. Not everyone anyway.
I'll be checking in every couple of days to post on my LH surge status. Hopefully this cycle is normal and uneventful so I can know that my next IUI will be properly timed.
Okay... that's all for now.
Thanks for reading!!!

~ Charity

Welcome to my TTC blog!

I am beginning this blog after writing for several months to my miscarriage blog. I've done a lot of emotional healing and although I'm still quite scared to get pregnant again, for fear I will miscarry again, I am ready to move forward. I don't want to give up on my dream of becoming a mom.

I will not begin TTC until July or August so the next few months will be simply tracking my cycles, ovulation, luteal phase length, etc.

I ovulated last cycle on cd16 and AF arrived on 4/30 which means my luteal phase was 17 days for this last cycle. I'm on cd11 now and will begin tomorrow using the OPKs to begin testing once again for a positive LH surge.

These first few months will be in preparation for TTC so they may be slightly bland but before too long I'll be in the active phase of TTC and we'll get into the exciting phase soon.

Thanks for sticking with me and following my new blog!

~ Charity