I am such a terrible blogger!! I disappear for weeks at a time and all kinds of things happen.
Let me just start from the beginning. First of all, I DID miscarry on Sunday, July 25th. I mentioned briefly that Mark and I have been having some problems and that was putting it MILDLY. The day I miscarried he decided it would be a good time to ask for "space". I was devastated; first for the loss of my second child, second for the pain of losing something I thought was so special. I've had a very rough couple of weeks to say the least.
Dr. Brown called me to discuss my pregnancy loss and how we planned to move forward. He ordered a recurrent miscarriage blood panel to see if perhaps we could find the reason I keep losing my babies. While I'm glad he is being proactive, I'm deeply saddened by the fact that I now fit into that category. RECURRENT MISCARRIAGE
It even sounds awful. :-( I'd like to add that when I went to the lab to have my blood drawn I had NO IDEA how much blood they would take. I'm certainly not a person that is squeamish when it comes to needles but having them take 17 vials of blood at one time was CRAZY!!! Yes, you read right... SEVENTEEN!!!
So now we wait. I had my blood drawn on July 27th and was told it would be about three weeks until the results came in so I am sitting this cycle OUT. I don't want to move in any direction until I have more information.
As for Mark, our relationship since I moved out has been a roller coaster. One day he's the same loving man I fell in love with and the next he is someone I hardly recognize. He's done and said a lot of things that were very hurtful and somehow he feels justified in it all. I've gone back and forth in my mind (and with him) many times while trying to decide what's best for me. I think I got so wrapped up in the idea of having a family, the idea of having a father for my child, I simply lost ME. I will admit that I still struggle with my feelings of wanting to work this out but each day I become a little stronger and a little closer to finding myself and my voice. It's been 9 years since I've been in a serious relationship and I fell for him. I fell REALLY HARD... so, it makes it very difficult to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start again... ALONE.
I am currently looking for an apartment of my own. I no longer want to live with a roommate. I want to get my own place and get settled in and ready for mommy-hood. I let someone take priority over something that is so very important to me. Funny how we feel so strong yet can become so weak when matters of the heart are involved. I know I'll get through this.. but it won't be easy.
I've been dealing with so much all at once, I'm going to let myself off the hook for being so foolish. I've learned something that I thought I already knew... rushing into a relationship is a BAD IDEA!!! Duh!
Okay then, off to bed. The results of my blood test can't come soon enough. I need to shift my focus back to what is most important... starting NOW!
It's okay to get lost in love. It happens to the best of us. I know how you feel though. Being alone for a long time makes you realize how resilliant you are, what you really want, but there is also the fear that you will lose yourself to someone because of how desperately you want a family. I'm dealing with the same thing. What I've been trying to do is daydream about being a single mother, that way if a man comes along...he's just frosting. Stay strong, good things are coming your way.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement. I'm still in a holding pattern with Mark. Not sure where this will end up. I am trying to sort some things out so that I'm okay either way... for example: getting a place of my own. It's hard to be in limbo this way. :( I'm sorry that you are dealing with the same thing. ((big hugs))
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