For PJ...

To my darling daughter, Pamela Joelene...
Today was supposed to be your due date. You would have been arriving any day now. My life has changed in so many ways since you left. Mommy admittedly fell apart for a while when she lost you. I missed you so much and felt that life was so unfair. I still believe life is unfair. I still miss you every day. Today has been exceptionally difficult for me because I can't help feeling like you should be here with me. I want you to know that it's okay... Mommy's not upset with you. I love you so much and want you to know that you belong here with me. A dear friend told me that the spirit of a baby comes back after miscarriage... when the time is right. I believe your spirit WILL come back and join me soon. I want  you to know that it's time. It's time for you to come back and be with Mommy. The timing was not right before but now the timing is perfect. Come back to me. I'm waiting here for you.

Though my heart was broken, over time it began to mend. I can now think of you and smile. Though the tears fall even as I write this post, I can be thankful that you were here with me even if it was for a short time instead of thinking only of the loss in my heart. I got a new big apartment for us. Lots of room for you!! I'm beginning to put together ideas of where all your things will go. I know where your crib will be. I know where your changing table will be. I know where all of your other things like your clothes and bouncy seat and toys will be. I even got a place with a nice big bathtub for your fun bath times. I picture the walks we'll take in the neighborhood. I imagine our hectic mornings and sleepless nights. Mostly... I imagine your eyes.

I can't wait to meet you face to face my darling angel. I can't wait to count your fingers and toes, touch your soft skin, smell you and kiss you and hold you close. Mommy is here waiting for you.
I love you!!!
I'll see you soon....