Monday, September 27, 2010

On my way...

So the PJ tattoo, while a great idea, was out because it occurred to me that I'm taking aspirin every day and I wouldn't want to have to deal with increased bleeding (which can lead to a messed up tattoo). I still plan to get the tattoo one day but it can't be right now. My blood is definitely thinner already because I'm now experiencing bleeding during ovulation. Hmmm?
I'm excited to announce that I will be back in the game next cycle!!  So, now I just await the arrival of her majesty AF. Hopefully she'll be more regular this time than the last... I barely had a period at all last time! Just spotting for several days. (don't worry, I already POAS just to make sure) LOL!
Oh well.
I'm getting ready to send in the signed forms for the new sperm bank I'll be using and I'm getting my finances in order. Baby, here I come!!! Can't wait!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

For PJ...

To my darling daughter, Pamela Joelene...
Today was supposed to be your due date. You would have been arriving any day now. My life has changed in so many ways since you left. Mommy admittedly fell apart for a while when she lost you. I missed you so much and felt that life was so unfair. I still believe life is unfair. I still miss you every day. Today has been exceptionally difficult for me because I can't help feeling like you should be here with me. I want you to know that it's okay... Mommy's not upset with you. I love you so much and want you to know that you belong here with me. A dear friend told me that the spirit of a baby comes back after miscarriage... when the time is right. I believe your spirit WILL come back and join me soon. I want  you to know that it's time. It's time for you to come back and be with Mommy. The timing was not right before but now the timing is perfect. Come back to me. I'm waiting here for you.

Though my heart was broken, over time it began to mend. I can now think of you and smile. Though the tears fall even as I write this post, I can be thankful that you were here with me even if it was for a short time instead of thinking only of the loss in my heart. I got a new big apartment for us. Lots of room for you!! I'm beginning to put together ideas of where all your things will go. I know where your crib will be. I know where your changing table will be. I know where all of your other things like your clothes and bouncy seat and toys will be. I even got a place with a nice big bathtub for your fun bath times. I picture the walks we'll take in the neighborhood. I imagine our hectic mornings and sleepless nights. Mostly... I imagine your eyes.

I can't wait to meet you face to face my darling angel. I can't wait to count your fingers and toes, touch your soft skin, smell you and kiss you and hold you close. Mommy is here waiting for you.
I love you!!!
I'll see you soon....

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Tomorrow is PJ's due date. I will be wearing a purple ribbon tomorrow in her honor.
Most new cars have day running headlights now but I will be driving with my headlights on for her tomorrow as well. Tomorrow night I will be lighting a special candle for her also. Please drive with your headlights on tomorrow or light a candle in memory of PJ and all other angel babies.

A special post for PJ tomorrow...

Mommy loves you PJ.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

PJ Tattoo

Not sure if this will come through but this is the design I want.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

P.J.'s Due Date is almost here...

As the days of September pass one by one I become closer to my due date for P.J.

She was due on 9/22/10. It is important to me to commemorate her in some way but I feel lost when trying to determine the best way to accomplish that.

My life is so much different now that it would have been had I not lost her. I miss her and still think of her every day and how my life would be better if she were here.

Originally I wanted to plant a tree to honor her short life but I don’t own a home and I’m not sure my mother’s house is the right place to plant it either because she may decide to sell her house soon.

Oh… I don’t know what to do!! I can’t let that day come and go and only remember her with my own tears. I need something special.

Please share any ideas you may have.

Mommy misses you PJ!!!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Hurry up and wait...

Having answers to the question of why I'm having miscarriages is certainly a relief. I'm ready to begin trying again with this new protocol. I've begun the baby aspirin every day as well as the massive amounts of folic acid. I'm doing every thing I need to do yet still, I must wait.

Two weeks ago, against my better judgment, I moved into my new apartment and along with that move came the added expense of deposits, first month's rent, moving trucks, etc. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to move and I love my new apartment, but financially I wasn't ready. I wish I'd waited until after my insemination. Hindsight is 20/20 though, right? So, moving on... I'm happy in my new place and I'm all settled and hoping I'm able to scrape together enough money to move forward soon with my fertility treatments. I actually took this semester off from school so that I could have this low stress time to TTC and to perhaps get through the better part of my first trimester. I'm hoping I can begin again before this break is over.

My relationship with Mark has been going VERY well. We've had some really good talks and have worked through many of our problems. My therapist believes that, with communication, we can salvage this relationship. I'm so relieved. I love him so much and have a really hard time seeing myself with anyone else, or simply without him.

Work is work and I'm not really happy there but I'm grateful to have a job.

I'm in the process of shopping for a new sperm donor as well. Fun Fun Fun!! I narrowed it down to 2 donors and then found out that neither of them have any units available at this time. Blahhhh!!! I will call them first thing tomorrow to find out what exactly that means and whether or not they can ask the donors to donate again.

Well, that's my brief update for now... more soon.

Thanks for reading and feel free to comment or message me.   :-)