Yes, GUILTY! Guilty of sporadic blogging. Sorry, my dear followers!
Fertility treatments are on hold until I can find permanent employment and INSURANCE!
After a recent break up I am once again single (go figure) so my fertility treatments will be a solo mission.
I've struggled the last few weeks with the upcoming anniversary of losing PJ (my first miscarriage) and have found myself surrounded by pregnant friends or friends who have new babies. Funny how those things seem to follow me wherever I go.
In my grief over the anniversary of losing PJ, I have come up with some ideas on how to honor her this year.
Unfortunately, last year I didn't do much of anything... I just didn't seem to have it in me and with her anniversary falling on my mother's birthday, I hated to put that negative shadow on mom's special day. This year I have decided to honor her by naming a star after her (I never would have come up with this idea without seeing an ad for Groupon - which by they way, was so completely affordable!! Her star is named after her, and resides in the constellation of Cancer because that constellation is visible to me during this time of year in the specific location in which I live. So, named a star after her, I will also write her a letter that will be released in a balloon and I have finally decided to get that tattoo of her initials I've been contemplating for the past two years. The star is registered to be officially named on February 19th, PJ's birthday and I will do the balloon release ceremony and tattoo on February 16th, the day I found out I'd lost her.
I consider February 19th PJ's birthday because that is the day I had my D & C, which is as close to a "birth" as I can come up with. And so it goes...
I have struggled this year with grief even though it's been two years and also some guilt over feeling this much sadness so long after losing her. I worry what others will think and I worry that if I ask for support I will be judged. I will likely do these things on my own but I actually think this has turned into a good thing because it IS so special to me and I view it as something PJ and I will share; just the two of us.
I'm really hoping to begin the fertility treatments again soon. I am already preparing by researching sperm donors again.
The MTHFR gene mutation which causes blood clots and recurrent miscarriages still needs further investigation and unfortunately I do not have my appointment with the rheumatologist until June but I've waited this long so a few more months won't make much difference. This appointment is for further testing on the blood work that showed positive results for auto-immune antibodies.
I recently had a VERY faint line on a pregnancy test for three days and then the line disappeared the fourth day and I began bleeding heavily. I didn't see a doctor but I believe it may have been yet another chemical pregnancy. So, I'm really looking forward to finding some answers (and solutions) to my inability to carry a baby to term.
I have high hopes for this year and despite my depression and anxiety, I'm keeping hope that I will be celebrating a healthy pregnancy very soon!
Comments or questions are welcomed and encouraged! Thank you for sharing this journey with me!
Charity
