Over due update!

Yes, GUILTY! Guilty of sporadic blogging. Sorry, my dear followers!

Fertility treatments are on hold until I can find permanent employment and INSURANCE!
After a recent break up I am once again single (go figure) so my fertility treatments will be a solo mission.
I've struggled the last few weeks with the upcoming anniversary of losing PJ (my first miscarriage) and have found myself surrounded by pregnant friends or friends who have new babies. Funny how those things seem to follow me wherever I go.

In my grief over the anniversary of losing PJ, I have come up with some ideas on how to honor her this year.
Unfortunately, last year I didn't do much of anything... I just didn't seem to have it in me and with her anniversary falling on my mother's birthday, I hated to put that negative shadow on mom's special day.  This year I have decided to honor her by naming a star after her (I never would have come up with this idea without seeing an ad for Groupon - which by they way, was so completely affordable!! Her star is named after her, and resides in the constellation of Cancer because that constellation is visible to me during this time of year in the specific location in which I live. So, named a star after her, I will also write her a letter that will be released in a balloon and I have finally decided to get that tattoo of her initials I've been contemplating for the past two years. The star is registered to be officially named on February 19th, PJ's birthday and I will do the balloon release ceremony and tattoo on February 16th, the day I found out I'd lost her.
I consider February 19th PJ's birthday because that is the day I had my D & C, which is as close to a "birth" as I can come up with. And so it goes...

I have struggled this year with grief even though it's been two years and also some guilt over feeling this much sadness so long after losing her. I worry what others will think and I worry that if I ask for support I will be judged. I will likely do these things on my own but I actually think this has turned into a good thing because it IS so special to me and I view it as something PJ and I will share; just the two of us.

I'm really hoping to begin the fertility treatments again soon. I am already preparing by researching sperm donors again.

The MTHFR gene mutation which causes blood clots and recurrent miscarriages still needs further investigation and unfortunately I do not have my appointment with the rheumatologist until June but I've waited this long so a few more months won't make much difference. This appointment is for further testing on the blood work that showed positive results for auto-immune antibodies.

I recently had a VERY faint line on a pregnancy test for three days and then the line disappeared the fourth day and I began bleeding heavily. I didn't see a doctor but I believe it may have been yet another chemical pregnancy. So, I'm really looking forward to finding some answers (and solutions) to my inability to carry a baby to term.

I have high hopes for this year and despite my depression and anxiety, I'm keeping hope that I will be celebrating a healthy pregnancy very soon!

Comments or questions are welcomed and encouraged! Thank you for sharing this journey with me!

Charity

Back in school...

Hello again!
I thought it was about time that I pop in and update my followers. Of course that is an understatement since I am WAYYYY over due to post.
Many changes have occurred in the past few months. I was laid off from my job and have not found another job as of yet. I have decided to (finally) get back into my graduate program. I began my completion of my internship with The Department of Children and Families and my Psychopathology course. I'm excited to begin school again and shift my life focus once again.
I'm definitely itching to get back into the TTC game but without a job and without health insurance I'm really at a stand still.
Mark and I are still together and doing better than ever. Aside from the job and health insurance situation I am quite happy with my life right now. I hope to find employment and begin TTC again before the close of the summer. I will turn 35 this year so my clock is ticking so loudly it's really becoming a distraction. hahaha!!
I know I have been terrible about posting but as I said in a previous post, it's difficult to maintain a TTC Blog when I'm not actively TTC. I hope that will change here VERY soon and then I can post on every little detail of my TTC journey.
Thank you all for being so patient with me and for following my journey.

Much love!!!

Charity

New stuff...

Wanted to pop in quickly and say that I realize I have completely neglected my blog. Sorry!!
In the coming days I will be posting to catch you all up on the happenings of this single mom in the making.
Lots of new stuff going on. Some good but mostly yucky stuff. I can't help but think that with all these things going WRONG in my life that something WONDERFUL is coming soon. It HAS to! Right?

More soon so stay tuned...

Birthday dinner with Mark. What a wonderful night :-)

On my way...

So the PJ tattoo, while a great idea, was out because it occurred to me that I'm taking aspirin every day and I wouldn't want to have to deal with increased bleeding (which can lead to a messed up tattoo). I still plan to get the tattoo one day but it can't be right now. My blood is definitely thinner already because I'm now experiencing bleeding during ovulation. Hmmm?
I'm excited to announce that I will be back in the game next cycle!!  So, now I just await the arrival of her majesty AF. Hopefully she'll be more regular this time than the last... I barely had a period at all last time! Just spotting for several days. (don't worry, I already POAS just to make sure) LOL!
Oh well.
I'm getting ready to send in the signed forms for the new sperm bank I'll be using and I'm getting my finances in order. Baby, here I come!!! Can't wait!

For PJ...

To my darling daughter, Pamela Joelene...
Today was supposed to be your due date. You would have been arriving any day now. My life has changed in so many ways since you left. Mommy admittedly fell apart for a while when she lost you. I missed you so much and felt that life was so unfair. I still believe life is unfair. I still miss you every day. Today has been exceptionally difficult for me because I can't help feeling like you should be here with me. I want you to know that it's okay... Mommy's not upset with you. I love you so much and want you to know that you belong here with me. A dear friend told me that the spirit of a baby comes back after miscarriage... when the time is right. I believe your spirit WILL come back and join me soon. I want  you to know that it's time. It's time for you to come back and be with Mommy. The timing was not right before but now the timing is perfect. Come back to me. I'm waiting here for you.

Though my heart was broken, over time it began to mend. I can now think of you and smile. Though the tears fall even as I write this post, I can be thankful that you were here with me even if it was for a short time instead of thinking only of the loss in my heart. I got a new big apartment for us. Lots of room for you!! I'm beginning to put together ideas of where all your things will go. I know where your crib will be. I know where your changing table will be. I know where all of your other things like your clothes and bouncy seat and toys will be. I even got a place with a nice big bathtub for your fun bath times. I picture the walks we'll take in the neighborhood. I imagine our hectic mornings and sleepless nights. Mostly... I imagine your eyes.

I can't wait to meet you face to face my darling angel. I can't wait to count your fingers and toes, touch your soft skin, smell you and kiss you and hold you close. Mommy is here waiting for you.
I love you!!!
I'll see you soon....

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is PJ's due date. I will be wearing a purple ribbon tomorrow in her honor.
Most new cars have day running headlights now but I will be driving with my headlights on for her tomorrow as well. Tomorrow night I will be lighting a special candle for her also. Please drive with your headlights on tomorrow or light a candle in memory of PJ and all other angel babies.

A special post for PJ tomorrow...

Mommy loves you PJ.

PJ Tattoo

Not sure if this will come through but this is the design I want.

P.J.'s Due Date is almost here...

As the days of September pass one by one I become closer to my due date for P.J.


She was due on 9/22/10. It is important to me to commemorate her in some way but I feel lost when trying to determine the best way to accomplish that.

My life is so much different now that it would have been had I not lost her. I miss her and still think of her every day and how my life would be better if she were here.

Originally I wanted to plant a tree to honor her short life but I don’t own a home and I’m not sure my mother’s house is the right place to plant it either because she may decide to sell her house soon.



Oh… I don’t know what to do!! I can’t let that day come and go and only remember her with my own tears. I need something special.



Please share any ideas you may have.



Mommy misses you PJ!!!

Hurry up and wait...

Having answers to the question of why I'm having miscarriages is certainly a relief. I'm ready to begin trying again with this new protocol. I've begun the baby aspirin every day as well as the massive amounts of folic acid. I'm doing every thing I need to do yet still, I must wait.

Two weeks ago, against my better judgment, I moved into my new apartment and along with that move came the added expense of deposits, first month's rent, moving trucks, etc. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to move and I love my new apartment, but financially I wasn't ready. I wish I'd waited until after my insemination. Hindsight is 20/20 though, right? So, moving on... I'm happy in my new place and I'm all settled and hoping I'm able to scrape together enough money to move forward soon with my fertility treatments. I actually took this semester off from school so that I could have this low stress time to TTC and to perhaps get through the better part of my first trimester. I'm hoping I can begin again before this break is over.

My relationship with Mark has been going VERY well. We've had some really good talks and have worked through many of our problems. My therapist believes that, with communication, we can salvage this relationship. I'm so relieved. I love him so much and have a really hard time seeing myself with anyone else, or simply without him.

Work is work and I'm not really happy there but I'm grateful to have a job.

I'm in the process of shopping for a new sperm donor as well. Fun Fun Fun!! I narrowed it down to 2 donors and then found out that neither of them have any units available at this time. Blahhhh!!! I will call them first thing tomorrow to find out what exactly that means and whether or not they can ask the donors to donate again.

Well, that's my brief update for now... more soon.

Thanks for reading and feel free to comment or message me.   :-)

Homozygous MTHFR Mutation as a cause for miscarriage?

I just got my recurrent miscarriage blood panel results today. RE called me at work this afternoon and told me the results over the phone.

He found a couple things:

#1 - I have a double mutation MTHFR (homozygous) but with normal homocystine levels.
Basically this means I will have to begin taking a baby aspirin every day along with EXTRA folic acid in addition to the folic acid that's already in my prescription prenatal. Also, I will begin daily Lovenox injections after ovulation through pregnancy. I JUST found this out today and have LOTS of research to do because I know nothing about the MTHFR gene and mutations of the gene.

#2 - I'm showing slightly elevated levels of autoimmune antibodies so RE wants me to see a rheumatologist. ??? Not sure what this could mean and he didn't get into it with me.

I'm definitely nervous because what I HAVE read shows that the DOUBLE mutation of the MTHFR gene is much worse than mutation on ONE of the genes but the Lovenox is supposed to be effective along with increased folic acid.

I will be taking this cycle off, unfortunately, for financial reasons but I figure it will give me some time to build the folic acid in my body before trying again... also the baby aspirin each day may help as well once I've been taking it for a whole cycle.

I'm moving next weekend into my own apartment. Mark and I are still together but have decided living together isn't in our best interest at this time. So, moving and Mark troubles on top of TTC has me wiped out! Luckily I've decided to take another semester off from grad school. I just don't think I could handle another dang thing!

waiting, waiting, waiting

Well, I'm still waiting, not so patiently, for my blood test results. I'm so anxious to find out why I keep having miscarriages! If they don't call today I may have to call again.

I'm turning into a stalker!!!

I don't want them to find anything major but it would be nice if they could find something with an easy solution instead of finding nothing, leaving me with a big question mark!

?

I'm READY!!!

This week I will get the results of my recurrent miscarriage blood panel... perhaps Tuesday or Wednesday? I'm admittedly anxious but so ready to find a SOLUTION! I want, more than ever, to be a mother and will stop at NOTHING to make that happen!!!

Baby... here I come!

Decisions...

I got a week ahead of myself!! I called my RE for the results of the recurrent miscarriage panel and I still have another week to go. :(  Blahhhh!!!

I'm anxious and ready to get this show on the road.

As for Mark and I, we are back together again. I know, yo-yo relationship. We're still not living together but we're considering it. He called me Saturday and told me how stupid he was and that he'd made a huge mistake and wants to be with me forever. I do not have the support of my mother, which is difficult for me because I happen to be addicted to her approval (unhealthy, I know), but I have to make this decision for myself.  Here's the problem. I already made the decision to give it another go with him. I want to be able to work things out. BUT... sometimes I feel unsure about whether or not I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes it feels REALLY right and other times it feels all wrong.

Not sure how it happened but I've lost all my moxy!! I'm afraid all the time. Afraid to end it because I'm afraid I'll regret it and miss him and that it'll be a huge mistake. Also, afraid to jump back in because I'm afraid he'll hurt me again.  Ugh!!!

Again, I need to take my mind off of my relationship with Mark (wait to see how things unfold) and place all my focus on becoming a mommy. I have an appointment with my therapist this evening so I'm hoping he can help me to straighten things out in this jumbled head of mine.

Wish me luck!!!

Apartment hunting

Today was a productive day. I worked half a day and spent the afternoon searching for a new home. I haven't found THE ONE yet but I managed to get myself excited about looking. I was feeling pretty good about it until I got home. Then, for some reason, I began to feel sad again that I'm even having to look. It wasn't supposed to be this way. :-(  Mark and I were supposed to be doing this together. (sigh)
I just have to find it in me to stop crying, get up, and get on with it.  It's just so hard when life doesn't turn out the way you planned or pictured it. I just keep trying to remind myself that this isn't about me anymore. This is about my child. What would I want to teach my child? That it's okay to let everything fall down around you because someone else disappointed you? NO! Keep going. Move forward. Take care of YOU!

Good advice! Maybe one of these days I'll learn how to set a good example.  ;-)  Boo!!!

So much has happened...

I am such a terrible blogger!! I disappear for weeks at a time and all kinds of things happen.
Let me just start from the beginning. First of all, I DID miscarry on Sunday, July 25th. I mentioned briefly that Mark and I have been having some problems and that was putting it MILDLY. The day I miscarried he decided it would be a good time to ask for "space". I was devastated; first for the loss of my second child, second for the pain of losing something I thought was so special. I've had a very rough couple of weeks to say the least.

Dr. Brown called me to discuss my pregnancy loss and how we planned to move forward. He ordered a recurrent miscarriage blood panel to see if perhaps we could find the reason I keep losing my babies. While I'm glad he is being proactive, I'm deeply saddened by the fact that I now fit into that category. RECURRENT MISCARRIAGE
It even sounds awful. :-( I'd like to add that when I went to the lab to have my blood drawn I had NO IDEA how much blood they would take. I'm certainly not a person that is squeamish when it comes to needles but having them take 17 vials of blood at one time was CRAZY!!! Yes, you read right... SEVENTEEN!!!
So now we wait. I had my blood drawn on July 27th and was told it would be about three weeks until the results came in so I am sitting this cycle OUT. I don't want to move in any direction until I have more information.

As for Mark, our relationship since I moved out has been a roller coaster. One day he's the same loving man I fell in love with and the next he is someone I hardly recognize. He's done and said a lot of things that were very hurtful and somehow he feels justified in it all. I've gone back and forth in my mind (and with him) many times while trying to decide what's best for me. I think I got so wrapped up in the idea of having a family, the idea of having a father for my child, I simply lost ME. I will admit that I still struggle with my feelings of wanting to work this out but each day I become a little stronger and a little closer to finding myself and my voice. It's been 9 years since I've been in a serious relationship and I fell for him. I fell REALLY HARD... so, it makes it very difficult to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start again... ALONE.

I am currently looking for an apartment of my own. I no longer want to live with a roommate. I want to get my own place and get settled in and ready for mommy-hood. I let someone take priority over something that is so very important to me. Funny how we feel so strong yet can become so weak when matters of the heart are involved. I know I'll get through this.. but it won't be easy.

I've been dealing with so much all at once, I'm going to let myself off the hook for being so foolish. I've learned something that I thought I already knew... rushing into a relationship is a BAD IDEA!!! Duh!

Okay then, off to bed. The results of my blood test can't come soon enough. I need to shift my focus back to what is most important... starting NOW!

Crushed...

I just got the call from my RE and my blood HCG level is only at an 8 and I'm at 14dpiui.
Chances are I will lose this pregnancy. I'm just heartbroken. I can't believe I have to go through this disappointment again.  :-(

The nurse said the number IS low but that they really can't tell anything about the pregnancy until they get my levels again on Monday. I think they just have to be nice about it so you don't go running out of the office crying. I'm just so sad...

Now what???

Okay, admittedly, I'm psychotic!! I POAS again this morning and the line was BARELY visible.
What does this mean? Could it be a chemical pregnancy? I'm worried that it means my HCG levels are going DOWN instead of UP.

I'm impatiently awaiting the blood results from my doctor this afternoon.
The real test will be Monday though. That will indicate whether my levels are doubling as they should.

I'm so worried!!!  :-(

BFP???

So I POAS again this morning with FMU and A LINE!!! It's still a faint line but it's darker than it was yesterday :)  So folkes... I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant!

I have a 7am appointment tomorrow for Beta #1

I still can't believe this is happening!

Thanks to all my readers for sending baby dust my way!!!

Evaporation line???

Okay, so I tested again this morning with FMU and pretty much BFN. Although... I could see a shadow of a line where a line SHOULD be so I'm thinking it must be an evap line. Or perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me? Mark looked at it and saw nothing but then again, he's not been properly trained to be able to effectively scrutinize an HPT. He can't see lines that aren't there, like me. lol

I'll keep testing until 15dpiui (which will be Friday) then I'll just await the witch.

So we wait...