Over due update!

Yes, GUILTY! Guilty of sporadic blogging. Sorry, my dear followers!

Fertility treatments are on hold until I can find permanent employment and INSURANCE!
After a recent break up I am once again single (go figure) so my fertility treatments will be a solo mission.
I've struggled the last few weeks with the upcoming anniversary of losing PJ (my first miscarriage) and have found myself surrounded by pregnant friends or friends who have new babies. Funny how those things seem to follow me wherever I go.

In my grief over the anniversary of losing PJ, I have come up with some ideas on how to honor her this year.
Unfortunately, last year I didn't do much of anything... I just didn't seem to have it in me and with her anniversary falling on my mother's birthday, I hated to put that negative shadow on mom's special day.  This year I have decided to honor her by naming a star after her (I never would have come up with this idea without seeing an ad for Groupon - which by they way, was so completely affordable!! Her star is named after her, and resides in the constellation of Cancer because that constellation is visible to me during this time of year in the specific location in which I live. So, named a star after her, I will also write her a letter that will be released in a balloon and I have finally decided to get that tattoo of her initials I've been contemplating for the past two years. The star is registered to be officially named on February 19th, PJ's birthday and I will do the balloon release ceremony and tattoo on February 16th, the day I found out I'd lost her.
I consider February 19th PJ's birthday because that is the day I had my D & C, which is as close to a "birth" as I can come up with. And so it goes...

I have struggled this year with grief even though it's been two years and also some guilt over feeling this much sadness so long after losing her. I worry what others will think and I worry that if I ask for support I will be judged. I will likely do these things on my own but I actually think this has turned into a good thing because it IS so special to me and I view it as something PJ and I will share; just the two of us.

I'm really hoping to begin the fertility treatments again soon. I am already preparing by researching sperm donors again.

The MTHFR gene mutation which causes blood clots and recurrent miscarriages still needs further investigation and unfortunately I do not have my appointment with the rheumatologist until June but I've waited this long so a few more months won't make much difference. This appointment is for further testing on the blood work that showed positive results for auto-immune antibodies.

I recently had a VERY faint line on a pregnancy test for three days and then the line disappeared the fourth day and I began bleeding heavily. I didn't see a doctor but I believe it may have been yet another chemical pregnancy. So, I'm really looking forward to finding some answers (and solutions) to my inability to carry a baby to term.

I have high hopes for this year and despite my depression and anxiety, I'm keeping hope that I will be celebrating a healthy pregnancy very soon!

Comments or questions are welcomed and encouraged! Thank you for sharing this journey with me!

Charity

Back in school...

Hello again!
I thought it was about time that I pop in and update my followers. Of course that is an understatement since I am WAYYYY over due to post.
Many changes have occurred in the past few months. I was laid off from my job and have not found another job as of yet. I have decided to (finally) get back into my graduate program. I began my completion of my internship with The Department of Children and Families and my Psychopathology course. I'm excited to begin school again and shift my life focus once again.
I'm definitely itching to get back into the TTC game but without a job and without health insurance I'm really at a stand still.
Mark and I are still together and doing better than ever. Aside from the job and health insurance situation I am quite happy with my life right now. I hope to find employment and begin TTC again before the close of the summer. I will turn 35 this year so my clock is ticking so loudly it's really becoming a distraction. hahaha!!
I know I have been terrible about posting but as I said in a previous post, it's difficult to maintain a TTC Blog when I'm not actively TTC. I hope that will change here VERY soon and then I can post on every little detail of my TTC journey.
Thank you all for being so patient with me and for following my journey.

Much love!!!

Charity

New stuff...

Wanted to pop in quickly and say that I realize I have completely neglected my blog. Sorry!!
In the coming days I will be posting to catch you all up on the happenings of this single mom in the making.
Lots of new stuff going on. Some good but mostly yucky stuff. I can't help but think that with all these things going WRONG in my life that something WONDERFUL is coming soon. It HAS to! Right?

More soon so stay tuned...

Birthday dinner with Mark. What a wonderful night :-)

On my way...

So the PJ tattoo, while a great idea, was out because it occurred to me that I'm taking aspirin every day and I wouldn't want to have to deal with increased bleeding (which can lead to a messed up tattoo). I still plan to get the tattoo one day but it can't be right now. My blood is definitely thinner already because I'm now experiencing bleeding during ovulation. Hmmm?
I'm excited to announce that I will be back in the game next cycle!!  So, now I just await the arrival of her majesty AF. Hopefully she'll be more regular this time than the last... I barely had a period at all last time! Just spotting for several days. (don't worry, I already POAS just to make sure) LOL!
Oh well.
I'm getting ready to send in the signed forms for the new sperm bank I'll be using and I'm getting my finances in order. Baby, here I come!!! Can't wait!

For PJ...

To my darling daughter, Pamela Joelene...
Today was supposed to be your due date. You would have been arriving any day now. My life has changed in so many ways since you left. Mommy admittedly fell apart for a while when she lost you. I missed you so much and felt that life was so unfair. I still believe life is unfair. I still miss you every day. Today has been exceptionally difficult for me because I can't help feeling like you should be here with me. I want you to know that it's okay... Mommy's not upset with you. I love you so much and want you to know that you belong here with me. A dear friend told me that the spirit of a baby comes back after miscarriage... when the time is right. I believe your spirit WILL come back and join me soon. I want  you to know that it's time. It's time for you to come back and be with Mommy. The timing was not right before but now the timing is perfect. Come back to me. I'm waiting here for you.

Though my heart was broken, over time it began to mend. I can now think of you and smile. Though the tears fall even as I write this post, I can be thankful that you were here with me even if it was for a short time instead of thinking only of the loss in my heart. I got a new big apartment for us. Lots of room for you!! I'm beginning to put together ideas of where all your things will go. I know where your crib will be. I know where your changing table will be. I know where all of your other things like your clothes and bouncy seat and toys will be. I even got a place with a nice big bathtub for your fun bath times. I picture the walks we'll take in the neighborhood. I imagine our hectic mornings and sleepless nights. Mostly... I imagine your eyes.

I can't wait to meet you face to face my darling angel. I can't wait to count your fingers and toes, touch your soft skin, smell you and kiss you and hold you close. Mommy is here waiting for you.
I love you!!!
I'll see you soon....

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is PJ's due date. I will be wearing a purple ribbon tomorrow in her honor.
Most new cars have day running headlights now but I will be driving with my headlights on for her tomorrow as well. Tomorrow night I will be lighting a special candle for her also. Please drive with your headlights on tomorrow or light a candle in memory of PJ and all other angel babies.

A special post for PJ tomorrow...

Mommy loves you PJ.